Carte Blanche

uloo

Today…i want to free myself..

From thoughts of you.

From the shackles that binds me to you.

From all reverence i felt.

From the gravity that pulls me back to you.

From the memories, the hurt, the happy and the sad.

From the hope that we could still fix what was broken.

-eli-

 

 

ambiguous affection

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we were and then we weren’t
sometimes people fall asleep in love
and wake up empty
sometimes people fall asleep
and don’t wake up at all
and it hurts
until it doesn’t
and you don’t always feel it at first
but when you feel it
oh god do you feel it

and sometimes we bleed ourselves
dry before we can feel okay again
and sometimes the scars don’t fade
like the doctor said they would
and i know sometimes I come home
with my knees torn apart and
lips that look like cherries
but taste like blood
and one day I’ll be spitting up your
name and I won’t be able to taste
anything but you
and you
and you
and I can’t stop my heart from beating so
fast that I collapse on the ground trying
to catch my breath
and I can’t fall asleep knowing that I
might wake up and not be yours
because tonight we are
but who knows if you’ll still love me
when the sun pierces through the blinds and hits you in the face”
—I hope you love me in the morning (via extrasad)

X Mark the spot.

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I wish that I could say that if I had a chance to take it back, I would but the truth is, as much as being without you hurts, there is nothing I would have done differently.

Maybe that sounds stupid, and you’re probably going to think that I don’t love you enough to take it back but you’re wrong. Let me tell you why I wouldn’t take it back.
I could never be who I am now if it wasn’t for you. I remember not being okay for a while after I left you, I struggled to get out of bed and I didn’t want to even live most days.
I had to fight like hell to be here right now. I cried in the mornings when I had to get out of bed and it was never easy but I kept trying for something and here I am now.
I am a better person because of it, because of you. I know maybe you don’t understand and I know that maybe you’re going to want to call me selfish but look at yourself. I dare you to tell me that you aren’t a better person because of it- because you are.
We are both still living and we are doing the best that we can. Remember the time we said we couldn’t be without each other? Look at how wrong we were. Look at us. You’re there and I’m here and we’re okay without each other. And we have tried for something.
Today we stand a little taller and we laugh a little louder and we know that there is not a day we can’t get through.
I still love you but this is how it was supposed to be all along.
If I find comfort in anything, it is in knowing that everything we went through together, has always been a part of something much bigger than both of us. It has made us who we are.

wretched heart

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Was it hard letting go of him? It was, and it wasn’t because I missed him, because who he is right now isn’t who I miss, I don’t know who he is anymore. But it was hard letting go because I had this person who had became a huge chunk of my life, a person who lit fires in the darkest parts of me, and then they had left me, the fires burned out and I now had a gaping hole in my heart, and that’s why it hurts to let go. It happens in stages really, I had found myself one day laughing at how pathetic I was for ever loving him, but the next day I was on the floor of my shower begging God to bring him back to me. I think if anyone’s every experienced heartbreak you know how hard it is to do things without that person. It’s entirely way to hard to move on, and it’s also hard to accept. It’s also hard to grasp the fact that the person you had grown to love is now a stranger to you. You don’t talk to them anymore, but you hear about them and your stomach clenches and I can promise you it won’t feel too great. I’m sorry to tell you this but you’ll probably always have a spot for them in your heart, the hole they made can be filled by them, and only them. I truthfully don’t think I’ll ever let go of him fully either. (via @poemsporn)

Despondency

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I think a lot about the conversations I would want to have if I saw you again. I think a lot about the things I’d want to tell you.
I’d want to tell you that I miss you so much that it hurts sometimes. I’d want to tell you that I think about you most at night when no one but me can hear the way my breath still feels a little shaky every time the thought hits that I’ve spent another day without you. Sometimes I think I’m just lonely and sometimes I want to scream because I don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way that I loved you. Sometimes I’m not sure I want to.

I’d want to tell you that I’m sorry that we made so many promises to each other in the light when we never knew if we could make it through the dark. I guess we couldn’t, and I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry everything fell apart and I’m sorry that it blindsided me so much that I couldn’t see the idea of us lasting but God, I was so scared. You were everything to me and I didn’t know how to handle loving someone so much that every morning felt like a sigh of relief from the loneliness the days used to be. I really tried to give you the world, but it turns out I didn’t even have any skies to give after you stole my heart. Turns out I didn’t even need to give you anything spinning on an axis, because he gave you a whole universe.

I was so sure that you were mine, so sure that I had you and that it was stuck in the concrete and flattened to the permanence of the sidewalk. I was so sure that I never even considered how wrapped around you I was. I never even considered how easily you had me sitting in your palm. It never occurred to me that you’d need somebody else’s love, because I was so sure mine was enough to fill the weight of my heart against your sleeve.

I think a lot about the things I’d tell you if I saw you now, but I don’t think I’d get a word in edge wise over the sound of my heart cracking all over again. I was never good at letting go of things, but I swear it would’ve been easier to rip my own heart out than seeing you love him the way I loved you.”

—Some things you can’t say to anyone but your bedroom ceiling (via: @poemsporn)

Dreaming ( Daily Photochallenge day 19)

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You are in my dreams, and I can’t unsee you and I am losing my mind with all these thoughts of you and I hate myself for thinking so in depth about you, when I probably don’t even cross your mind.

when everything is a blur (daily photo challenge day 10)

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” i will never regret you, or say that i wish i’d never met you, because once upon a time, you were exactly what i needed”.