Carte Blanche

uloo

Today…i want to free myself..

From thoughts of you.

From the shackles that binds me to you.

From all reverence i felt.

From the gravity that pulls me back to you.

From the memories, the hurt, the happy and the sad.

From the hope that we could still fix what was broken.

-eli-

 

 

pensive state of my heart….

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” I wanted to call him” he said, “just to see how he was doing. But you can’t do that. You can’t talk to someone who held your heart in their palm pretend it never happened.

” I wanted to ask why it was so hard to get over him. I wanted to know if he felt pain like knives in his sides like I did. I wanted to know if he ever felt lonely when he listened to music, or if things reminded him of the memories we made.

“I wanted to say that I couldn’t remember the sound of him saying my name anymore and sometimes that scared me but I knew it was important, and that our last kiss wasn;t anything like in the movies, that it was so brief the wind had swept it away before I’d had a chance to commit it to memory. I wanted to explain how now I’d forgotten everything apart from the way he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn’t just for perfect people, like love could also be for me.

” So my God I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the floor and drank shots like they were tea. To be honest I don’t know if I still loved, but then I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell like absolute-fucking hell.”

Home

11276210_10155583814145587_805971973_nThere’s something about homesickness that maybe doesn’t include four walls and a signed lease. It’s a wave of loneliness that I find is hard to breath under. The place of a house isn’t a homelike feeling at times, and you find yourself wanting someone there. It’s an unsteady feeling, being alone. So, maybe home isn’t a kitchen or a shower, but a pair of arms and heartbeat… and if that’s the case, I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t want me to come home. (via: @poemsporn)

Truth is…

11253788_10155503656330587_860883498_nThe Truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws.That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship. (@poemsporn)

I see you

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I see you…

I see you in my dreams…in waking up

In thoughtless grin.

I see you…

I see you at dawn…in lurid sky

And eyes forlorn.

I see you…

I see you under the sweltering sun…in changing clothes

Until the moments gone.

I see you…

I see you at dusk…

In sparkling sky of diamond dust.

I see you…

(eli 29/30/2015)

I miss you but, I will be okay.

961610_10155503657510587_388212136_nI miss you, but not in the way that I need you or that I won’t be able to go on without you. There are so many attachments when telling someone that you miss them. There are so many different meaning to that phrase, or to that confession. So many different ways to how a person can perceive those words. I want to tell  you that I miss  you  but I don’t want it to seem as if I am hopeless without you.

Sometimes I wander off to places that remind me of you. I can see you standing beside me admiring the scenery in which we lost ourselves in. I can see us creating memories with the wind, with the sunset, with the feel of the day turning into night. Don’t think that I am not myself without you, or that I need you here at every moment to remember that it’s going to be okay. Just know that I miss you, and if I could I would take your voice over the silence any day. (Via:@poemporns)

X Mark the spot.

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I wish that I could say that if I had a chance to take it back, I would but the truth is, as much as being without you hurts, there is nothing I would have done differently.

Maybe that sounds stupid, and you’re probably going to think that I don’t love you enough to take it back but you’re wrong. Let me tell you why I wouldn’t take it back.
I could never be who I am now if it wasn’t for you. I remember not being okay for a while after I left you, I struggled to get out of bed and I didn’t want to even live most days.
I had to fight like hell to be here right now. I cried in the mornings when I had to get out of bed and it was never easy but I kept trying for something and here I am now.
I am a better person because of it, because of you. I know maybe you don’t understand and I know that maybe you’re going to want to call me selfish but look at yourself. I dare you to tell me that you aren’t a better person because of it- because you are.
We are both still living and we are doing the best that we can. Remember the time we said we couldn’t be without each other? Look at how wrong we were. Look at us. You’re there and I’m here and we’re okay without each other. And we have tried for something.
Today we stand a little taller and we laugh a little louder and we know that there is not a day we can’t get through.
I still love you but this is how it was supposed to be all along.
If I find comfort in anything, it is in knowing that everything we went through together, has always been a part of something much bigger than both of us. It has made us who we are.