pensive state of my heart….

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” I wanted to call him” he said, “just to see how he was doing. But you can’t do that. You can’t talk to someone who held your heart in their palm pretend it never happened.

” I wanted to ask why it was so hard to get over him. I wanted to know if he felt pain like knives in his sides like I did. I wanted to know if he ever felt lonely when he listened to music, or if things reminded him of the memories we made.

“I wanted to say that I couldn’t remember the sound of him saying my name anymore and sometimes that scared me but I knew it was important, and that our last kiss wasn;t anything like in the movies, that it was so brief the wind had swept it away before I’d had a chance to commit it to memory. I wanted to explain how now I’d forgotten everything apart from the way he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn’t just for perfect people, like love could also be for me.

” So my God I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the floor and drank shots like they were tea. To be honest I don’t know if I still loved, but then I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell like absolute-fucking hell.”

Home

11276210_10155583814145587_805971973_nThere’s something about homesickness that maybe doesn’t include four walls and a signed lease. It’s a wave of loneliness that I find is hard to breath under. The place of a house isn’t a homelike feeling at times, and you find yourself wanting someone there. It’s an unsteady feeling, being alone. So, maybe home isn’t a kitchen or a shower, but a pair of arms and heartbeat… and if that’s the case, I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t want me to come home. (via: @poemsporn)

I see you

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I see you…

I see you in my dreams…in waking up

In thoughtless grin.

I see you…

I see you at dawn…in lurid sky

And eyes forlorn.

I see you…

I see you under the sweltering sun…in changing clothes

Until the moments gone.

I see you…

I see you at dusk…

In sparkling sky of diamond dust.

I see you…

(eli 29/30/2015)

X Mark the spot.

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I wish that I could say that if I had a chance to take it back, I would but the truth is, as much as being without you hurts, there is nothing I would have done differently.

Maybe that sounds stupid, and you’re probably going to think that I don’t love you enough to take it back but you’re wrong. Let me tell you why I wouldn’t take it back.
I could never be who I am now if it wasn’t for you. I remember not being okay for a while after I left you, I struggled to get out of bed and I didn’t want to even live most days.
I had to fight like hell to be here right now. I cried in the mornings when I had to get out of bed and it was never easy but I kept trying for something and here I am now.
I am a better person because of it, because of you. I know maybe you don’t understand and I know that maybe you’re going to want to call me selfish but look at yourself. I dare you to tell me that you aren’t a better person because of it- because you are.
We are both still living and we are doing the best that we can. Remember the time we said we couldn’t be without each other? Look at how wrong we were. Look at us. You’re there and I’m here and we’re okay without each other. And we have tried for something.
Today we stand a little taller and we laugh a little louder and we know that there is not a day we can’t get through.
I still love you but this is how it was supposed to be all along.
If I find comfort in anything, it is in knowing that everything we went through together, has always been a part of something much bigger than both of us. It has made us who we are.

—A letter to the ones who’ve “drifted apart”

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Sometimes you just drift apart. People say that a lot, don’t they? I suppose it’s true but that doesn’t make it any less painful when you lose the people who you thought would be by your side forever. Years of midnight talks, long texts, summer adventures are gone. Just like that. Now you’re left with memories. But memories can’t keep you company. They don’t talk you down at 3 am when nothing feels okay. You can’t spend Saturday nights and Tuesday afternoons with your memories. (via @poemporns)

Quarterlife crisis ( Daily Photochallenge 24)

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circa 2013 – Colon St. Photowalk

I am now 25, yet i don’t feel any changes at all. I feel like everything is  still the same. I am still wallowing on a deep mud full of confusion and uncertainties. To be honest, I don’t have any goals or whatsoever. Making bucket list doesn’t help. I don’t know, I am  still the same confuse Ely way back in college. I am scared. Scared since I will be turning 26 by how many days. Scared of loosing my grip to reality…that I am but a soul that is still trying to emerge through this blackhole. Scared of loosing my sanity…that I may become a person that I don’t want to be. I  am scared of the thought that I will die penniless. Scared of the thought that I will be alone.  I have this war with myself. Struggling. I have made plans for myself..but when I sat down and try to check what I have done or should be doing…i failed. I am still confuse…and always be confuse.

 But that’s how I perceive my life to be. CONFUSE. I know i have not found the so called”NICHE” that I am dreaming. But I know that where I am now is the “NICHE” I am comfortable to be. I am happy I have a wonderful-bitter-sweet life. Thankful to the people around me. Thankful for my job. Thankful for my stupidity and my paranoia. Thankful for the person who made me patient and understand relationship on a wider perspective. Just venting it out…currently…i am confuse…

erratum: this article was written last March 14,2012, when i was still 25. I was not able to put this in public because, this was written to myself. I found it funny though coz, till now…i am still in the midst of confusion – nothings change )