Carte Blanche

uloo

Today…i want to free myself..

From thoughts of you.

From the shackles that binds me to you.

From all reverence i felt.

From the gravity that pulls me back to you.

From the memories, the hurt, the happy and the sad.

From the hope that we could still fix what was broken.

-eli-

 

 

ambiguous affection

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we were and then we weren’t
sometimes people fall asleep in love
and wake up empty
sometimes people fall asleep
and don’t wake up at all
and it hurts
until it doesn’t
and you don’t always feel it at first
but when you feel it
oh god do you feel it

and sometimes we bleed ourselves
dry before we can feel okay again
and sometimes the scars don’t fade
like the doctor said they would
and i know sometimes I come home
with my knees torn apart and
lips that look like cherries
but taste like blood
and one day I’ll be spitting up your
name and I won’t be able to taste
anything but you
and you
and you
and I can’t stop my heart from beating so
fast that I collapse on the ground trying
to catch my breath
and I can’t fall asleep knowing that I
might wake up and not be yours
because tonight we are
but who knows if you’ll still love me
when the sun pierces through the blinds and hits you in the face”
—I hope you love me in the morning (via extrasad)

pensive state of my heart….

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” I wanted to call him” he said, “just to see how he was doing. But you can’t do that. You can’t talk to someone who held your heart in their palm pretend it never happened.

” I wanted to ask why it was so hard to get over him. I wanted to know if he felt pain like knives in his sides like I did. I wanted to know if he ever felt lonely when he listened to music, or if things reminded him of the memories we made.

“I wanted to say that I couldn’t remember the sound of him saying my name anymore and sometimes that scared me but I knew it was important, and that our last kiss wasn;t anything like in the movies, that it was so brief the wind had swept it away before I’d had a chance to commit it to memory. I wanted to explain how now I’d forgotten everything apart from the way he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn’t just for perfect people, like love could also be for me.

” So my God I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the floor and drank shots like they were tea. To be honest I don’t know if I still loved, but then I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell like absolute-fucking hell.”

wretched heart

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Was it hard letting go of him? It was, and it wasn’t because I missed him, because who he is right now isn’t who I miss, I don’t know who he is anymore. But it was hard letting go because I had this person who had became a huge chunk of my life, a person who lit fires in the darkest parts of me, and then they had left me, the fires burned out and I now had a gaping hole in my heart, and that’s why it hurts to let go. It happens in stages really, I had found myself one day laughing at how pathetic I was for ever loving him, but the next day I was on the floor of my shower begging God to bring him back to me. I think if anyone’s every experienced heartbreak you know how hard it is to do things without that person. It’s entirely way to hard to move on, and it’s also hard to accept. It’s also hard to grasp the fact that the person you had grown to love is now a stranger to you. You don’t talk to them anymore, but you hear about them and your stomach clenches and I can promise you it won’t feel too great. I’m sorry to tell you this but you’ll probably always have a spot for them in your heart, the hole they made can be filled by them, and only them. I truthfully don’t think I’ll ever let go of him fully either. (via @poemsporn)

melancholic thoughts of you and me…

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I’m over you. It’s been two years since we split, why do I still think of you? Is that what love really is? To constantly think about someone even after you’ve told yourself that you’ve moved on? Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that my feelings for you are dead and gone. I’m trying to erase the fact that when I hated everything about the world and the people in it you made me love myself and want to live. I still think about it, and not just at 2am when it’s cliche but at 8am when I’m brushing my teeth and 1pm when I’m going to get lunch and 6pm when I’m doing laundry. I think about it, us, how we were. I think of the good times when we laughed so hard our stomachs ached and we felt dizzy from the lack of oxygen, when we made up our future kids names and picked where we’d live and made fun of how we’d act when we were 40. I also think of the bad times, when you told me that what I had to offer wasn’t enough for you. Was I ever enough? I still question it all the time. At one point, you made me the happiest I had ever been, but then again near the end you made me the most miserable I had ever felt in my entire life. So I ask myself, still, did you really love me? and then I have to ask myself right after, am I really over you? -@poemporns

Lost in translation (Daily photo challenge 22)

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Bangkok Thailand -Wat pho- 2014

“I look for you in everyone i meet. And that’s why I can never tell if I’m moving on, or just finding different versions of you to keep myself sane, because you’re not here anymore.”