Carte Blanche

uloo

Today…i want to free myself..

From thoughts of you.

From the shackles that binds me to you.

From all reverence i felt.

From the gravity that pulls me back to you.

From the memories, the hurt, the happy and the sad.

From the hope that we could still fix what was broken.

-eli-

 

 

vehemence

 

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Vehemence – oil on canvas by Eli (17/11/2015)

 

I hate you.

Was the words I utter. I was, am hurt. And I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I am not. Because I am.

I never questioned you…I never asked. Because you help me and you were there when I needed a hand to hold on to. My respect to you was the respect I gave to  my mom. You are family to me.

But one single question changes everything. And BOOM! everything just exploded. Confetti’s everywhere.

And the sad part is, I was not hit with the confettis. I was hit with shrapnels. Shrapnel of lies and each time it hit me…I begin to ask a question.

Was I really that bad? Am I a bad person?

It is true..people will never see the good you’ve done to them. All they can see are bad things…lies …a web of lies.

I did not react..because it would be immature to do so.

So I decide that…

It is time. Time for me to let go…let go of people who manipulates your happiness.

I thank you still. Because without your help I wouldn’t be here. Thank you for the shelter you unselfishly provide. The food, the time and all.

THANK YOU!

 

 

ambiguous affection

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we were and then we weren’t
sometimes people fall asleep in love
and wake up empty
sometimes people fall asleep
and don’t wake up at all
and it hurts
until it doesn’t
and you don’t always feel it at first
but when you feel it
oh god do you feel it

and sometimes we bleed ourselves
dry before we can feel okay again
and sometimes the scars don’t fade
like the doctor said they would
and i know sometimes I come home
with my knees torn apart and
lips that look like cherries
but taste like blood
and one day I’ll be spitting up your
name and I won’t be able to taste
anything but you
and you
and you
and I can’t stop my heart from beating so
fast that I collapse on the ground trying
to catch my breath
and I can’t fall asleep knowing that I
might wake up and not be yours
because tonight we are
but who knows if you’ll still love me
when the sun pierces through the blinds and hits you in the face”
—I hope you love me in the morning (via extrasad)

pensive state of my heart….

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” I wanted to call him” he said, “just to see how he was doing. But you can’t do that. You can’t talk to someone who held your heart in their palm pretend it never happened.

” I wanted to ask why it was so hard to get over him. I wanted to know if he felt pain like knives in his sides like I did. I wanted to know if he ever felt lonely when he listened to music, or if things reminded him of the memories we made.

“I wanted to say that I couldn’t remember the sound of him saying my name anymore and sometimes that scared me but I knew it was important, and that our last kiss wasn;t anything like in the movies, that it was so brief the wind had swept it away before I’d had a chance to commit it to memory. I wanted to explain how now I’d forgotten everything apart from the way he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn’t just for perfect people, like love could also be for me.

” So my God I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the floor and drank shots like they were tea. To be honest I don’t know if I still loved, but then I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell like absolute-fucking hell.”